JANE EYRE, as told by Nuriko and Hotohori
by Purple Mouse
Summary: The FY version of Cliff's Notes, anyone? Heeheehee... Okay, I know a lot of y'all have to read this book for school...just thought this'd be amusing. ^_^ Slight, slight, slight shounen ai. Reason for fic: no sleep again last night, eheh. ^_^


****

Disclaimers: Fushigi Yuugi was written by Watase Yuu. Jane Eyre was written by Charlotte Brontë. I am neither Watase Yuu, nor am I Charlotte Brontë. I am just a girl with purple hair who really enjoys procrastinating. ^_~

****

Warnings: PG for a few nasty Tasuki words. Also…shounen ai. Which Means: Oooohhhh, horrors, there's gonna be a guy who has a crush on another guy!!!! NOOOO, NOT THAT!!! ANYTHING BUT THAT!!!!! But yes. There's that. So there. :P 

****

Notes: This was very, very, very, very random. Ummm, yahh. Poor Ryuen has to read Jane Eyre for school, and only has about a mealtime and a half to do so. Therefore, I was gonna do a little summary of the thing so it would read faster…but…. Gahhh, I dunno. The summary was possessed by the Suzaku no Shichiseishi. **throws hands up in defeat** And this is what came out. And I figured I'd post it, just because…well…there are probably a lot of people who have to read Jane Eyre for school, and this might make it more fun, I guess. ^__^() Consider it Cliff's Notes: Fushigi Yuugi Style. And now, without further ado, we bring you…

****

JANE EYRE

By Charlotte Brontë

As Told By

Nuriko and Hotohori 

(And a bunch of other dudes.)

Hotohori: The story of Jane Eyre begins in the early 19th century. Our heroine, Jane, a small, dark-haired, elfish young girl…

****

Nuriko: Like me, neeee???

****

Hotohori: Young _GIRLLLL…_is ten years old, orphaned, and living with her evil aunt and three evil cousins. 

****

Nuriko: Can I be the heroine, Hotohori-sama????

****

Hotohori: The worst of the cousins, by far, is John, who abuses Jane and is generally quite rude. One afternoon, she is reading in the windowsill and he attacks her; when she fights back, she is taken by her aunt and locked in the Red Room.

****

Nuriko: Where her uncle is said to have died. So she thinks it's haunted. Oooooh, spooookyyyyyyyy. And she has a spazzy fit. And can I be Jane?

****

Hotohori: AHEM. Anyway, since she is so "disobedient" and would dare to strike a member of the family that housed her and fed her, et cetera, she is sent away to school. Unfortunately, we do not remember the exact name of said school, but such information will be easily found. Anyway. The headmaster of this school is named something beginning with B.

****

Nuriko: Helpful, ne?

****

Hotohori: It is a bad school. A religious school. The children are kept under strict discipline, and one girl is even forced to shave her head because she had naturally red, curly hair…

****

Nuriko: Which was naturally the work of the devil. 

****

Hotohori: At school, Jane meets a girl named Helen Burns, who is very sick, perhaps with consumption. Helen's philosophy, to Jane's confusion, is that, no matter what happens to you in life, you should always be forgiving, because your eternal reward will be granted to you in Heaven. So, she dies. 

****

Nuriko: **sniff** Poor Helen.

****

Hotohori: Jane spends the next eight years or so at the school, eventually becoming a teacher herself. Then, she finds a position as a governess in Yorkshire, at a place called Thornfield. So she goes there and meets Mrs. Fairfax, the bumbling housekeeper, and Adèle, who is a six-year-old French girl whom Jane is supposed to tutor. She does not know the owner of the house, and does not know when he will return. One day, she is out walking on the moor, when she sees a man on horseback…

****

Nuriko: Ahhhh, it's so romantic!!!! That can be you, neee, Hotohori-sama???

****

Hotohori: --;; She sees a man on horseback. And…something happens, I think he falls off the horse or something, but I am not certain…

****

Nuriko: Hehe. Clumsy baka.

****

Hotohori: SO…she helps him, and it turns out later that he is none other than…

****

Nuriko: MR. EDWARD ROCHESTER!!! DADADAAAA!!!! The owner of Thornfield and Our Heroine's dashing employer. Well, actually, he's not supposed to be dashing. He's supposed to be ugly. But…that's beside the point. You're him, okay, Hotohori-sama? And I'm Jane. But I'll be a boy dressed as Jane. ^____^. Hahaaaaa, I've fooled eeeeveryone!!!

****

Hotohori: I refuse to be cast in the role of someone who is…._unattractive_.

****

Nuriko: Doooooushite, Hotohori-samaaaaa???? It doesn't maaaaatter!!! Love can conquer all obstacles!! Gender! Race! Religion! Levels of beauty!…

****

Hotohori: Anyway. Jane winds up falling in love with Mr. Rochester…

****

Nuriko: Ehehehehehehehehe…

****

Hotohori: ……..--;

****

Nuriko: ^____^n

****

Hotohori: But, since she is only a servant, she doesn't think it will ever work out between them. 

****

Nuriko: *siiiiigh…* How tragically romantic.

****

Hotohori: One night, there is a fire in Mr. Rochester's bedroom, and Jane rushes to his aid…it is…very mysterious, and no one will tell her what's going on.

****

Nuriko: oooooh, clue to a Tragic Past!!!

****

Hotohori: And then, what's more, Jane soon learns that Mr. Rochester has a fiancée, whose name is Blanche Ingram.

****

Nuriko: Played by the ever-talented Yuuuuuki Miakaaaa!!!!

****

Miaka: **shoved on stage, mouth full** Naniiiii??

****

Hotohori: **doing his best to ignore them** Blanche is conceited, vain, and beautiful…a perfect lady in every way.

****

Tasuki: **off stage** Are ya sure THAT'S not the fuckin part for you?????

****

Hotohori: Nuriko.

****

Nuriko: ^__^. **goes backstage and punches Tasuki into a wall; returns; dusts off his hands**

****

Hotohori: However, Blanche also only really wants to marry Mr. Rochester for his money.

****

Nuriko: The conniving, gold-digging swine!!!

****

Miaka: …..????? ~.~()

****

Hotohori: Rochester is not stupid, and he realizes this…therefore, during a party he holds for his snooty friends—during which Blanche is very rude indeed to poor Jane—he dresses up as a gypsy to tell the ladies' fortunes.

****

Miaka: Neeee, Hotohori!! That's like the time I first saw you and you had glossy lips and I thought you were a…

****

Nuriko: **elbows her head** Anyway. Please, continue, Hotohori-sama.

****

Hotohori: He tells Blanche, as the gypsy, that Rochester does not have as much money as he claims. And she flees, never to return, because…

****

Nuriko: She was a conniving, gold-digging swine. **nodnod**

****

Hotohori: Indeed. So…yes. Rochester finally tells Jane he loves her, as well, and proposes to her.

****

Nuriko: *_*

****

Hotohori: BUT, on the night before the wedding, something goes strangely amiss!!! There is an unexpected guest at Thornfield, named Mr. Mason…

****

Chichiri: **pushed on stage** Daaaaa….

****

Hotohori: In the middle of the night, a scream is heard, and it is discovered that something has attacked Mr. Mason!! That something, it turns out, was none other than Mr. Rochester's psychopathic Jamaican wife, to whom he is still married, but who has been living in the attic for the past several years because of her insanity!!!

****

**PAUSE**

Tasuki: (offstage) No way!! I ain't doin it!!!

****

Tamahome: (likewise offstage) Come onnnn, Tasuki!!!! There's no one else!!

****

Tasuki: Gahhhh, what about Mits??? Or Yui, for fuck's sake???

****

Tama: You're the only firebug here!! Come on! Fire, Tasuki! You get to torch things!!!

****

Tasuki: Ahhhhhh……shit. **emerges on stage, dressed as a Jamaican woman** 

****

Nuriko: **snicker**

****

Tasuki: Don't you say a fuckin THING.

****

Hotohori: Eheh…right. Well. This was…*voice cracks * B…Bertha Mason…

****

Tasuki: **glowers**

****

Hotohori: …sister of the aforementioned Mr. Mason, and, like I said, Mr. Rochester's…wife.

****

Tasuki: **narrows eyes dangerously**

****

Hotohori: With this knowledge, Jane is horrified, and runs away. She spends a few weeks roaming around the country and starving, and finally winds up on the doorstep of St. John Rivers, who just happens to be her cousin.

****

Mitsukake: **enters with Bible** Whazzup.

****

Hotohori: St. John and his two sisters, who will remain backstage, all live together…and once they find out that Jane is their cousin, they are…very happy.

****

Mits: Woohoo.

****

Hotohori: They tell her that her evil aunt is very sick. So, Jane travels to see her on her death bed, whereupon the dying aunt admits to feeling guilty that she treated her that badly, and winds up leaving her her fortune.

****

Nuriko: How kind of the evil aunt.

****

Hotohori: Jane returns to St. John and his sisters, and discovers that St. John now wants to marry her so they can run off and be missionaries in India.

****

Mits: …

****

Nuriko: --;;

****

Hotohori: It would be a marriage of labor, not love. And Jane is willing to accept that fate, if God decrees it to be the right thing to do.

****

Nuriko: **mumbles** 

****

Hotohori: But just as he proposes to her, she hears a voice coming across the moors!! "JANE," it cries! "JANE!!!" 

****

Nuriko: AAHHHH, how BEAUTIFUL!!!! **tears up**

****

Hotohori: She recognizes the voice as Rochester's!! Immediately, she knows that destiny has intervened on her behalf, and she quickly travels back to Thornfield to see him… Only to find…..

****

Nuriko: AAHHHHH, that the entire building is buuuuurned!!!!!! The insane Jamaican pyromaniac went and BURNED THE WHOLE PLACE DOWN!!!!

****

Tasuki: WAHAHAHAH!!!! Fuckin COOL!!!!

****

Nuriko: Happily, she died in the fire.

****

Chichiri: I mourn thee, dear sister, no da…

****

Tasuki: Damn.

****

Nuriko: But Mr. Rochester—dear, darling, lovely, wonderful, beloved Mr. Rochester—was rescuing people from the fire, when a beam fell down and struck him!! So he was blinded, and his hand was crippled…he had no money, no home, NOTHING!! **SOB** But, as the beautiful Jane knelt by his side, he recognized her voice…and knew that she had come back to him. He said that he had called out for her…and that was the voice she had heard across the moor, miles and miles awayyyyyy!!! And he didn't think she would want to stay with him now, because he was crippled and ugly and poor. But SHE had her fortune, now, from her aunt! And because she truuuuly loved him, it didn't matter about the hand and the whole blind thing. And they were haaapppily married and had a kid, and then Mr. Rochester's sight started coming back. Ahhhhhh, a happy ending!!!! **glomps onto Hotohori**

****

Hotohori: ….~.~() Ano…Nuriko…

****

Nuriko: **holds on tight…but not too tight** Oh, Hotohori-sama!!

****

Tasuki: --;; Damn okamas.

****

Nuriko: Even if you were blind and ugly and had no feet, I would still love you!!!!

****

Hotohori: **touched** Why…thank you, Nuriko. 

****

Nuriko: Can we get married now????

****

Hotohori: Well, we'd have to go to Holland first…

****

Nuriko: WAAAIIIIII!!!!!

**BIG, GRATUITOUS, OUT-OF-PLACE SMOOCH!!!**

****

THE END

^__^() Ehehehe… 


End file.
